Whiteout - the slow and deadly killer

Uselessness of Whiteout

It’s not your fault it really isn’t. No, it’s the education system’s fault to originally implant such nonsense into your young impressionable head. However, continuing this absurdity into adulthood is your. Time is a paradox: omnipresent yet omniscient all at once. One day you’re a five year-old kid eating glue and getting sent home for having head lice, and next thing you know you’re an 87 year old geezer who’s perpetually pissed off because his wife is a wrinkly 75, and not a supple 28. Where has all the time gone? Rhetorical as the question posed may seem, it’s not. I’ll tell you where the time went. You fucking wasted it spending hours upon hours applying whiteout to your goddamn homework and notes.
When I tell people that whiteout is perhaps the worst hindrance to plague mankind’s productivity they usually look at me crooked and say, “but it makes my notes look better” (it should be noted that most of them are females). Who was the genius that decided smearing paint on a mistake and then writing overtop the mucus-like substance made anything look better? It’s comparable to having a gargantuan zit on your forehead and masking it with a glob of cover-up only on your zit – leaving your complexion incongruous and concealing nothing. If the concept of whiteout works for paper why not apply it to other facets of life? How about this scenario: “Oh man someone just keyed all along the side of my car. I’m going to have to get a whole new paint jobL” “That’s OK, I got some spraypaint in my trunk. It’ll conceal that massive scratch and your car will look good as new J”
Why do you need your mistake to be corrected with whiteout and not simply scratched out? If you are writing notes in class or while you read through a textbook why does it matter if a mistake is scribbled out, since the notes are for your own use anyway. Conversely if you are working on an assignment that needs to be handed in and look presentable why are you using whiteout? It still looks like shit. If your mistake is on a printable sheet – such as an essay – then why not just correct the mistake and reprint your work. If the mistake is some kind of formulaic blunder then why are you using pen to work out a formula, just use pencil.
For the sake of argument let’s allow that white-out greatly improves the appearance of a blemish on your work. Check out these numbers from the Institute of Science and Misnomers (numbers reflect the lifespan of a whiteout user):
- Time spent correcting work using whiteout (in years) = 27.8637
- Grade improvement using whiteout to make corrections (%) = 0.00047
The numbers don’t lie.
If you still use whiteout to improve your assignments and reports then best of luck to you. And if you’re one of those people that use whiteout to correct mistakes on your notes then look at all the time you’re losing applying whiteout, and shame on you. So help me make this world a more productive place by abolishing whiteout. Oh, and when you go to a restaurant and you want to order Coca-Cola/Pepsi, but don’t really care which one they serve just say “Cola beverage please.” Do you have an idea how much time we waste going through the whole: “I’ll have to Coke to drink.” “Is Pepsi O.K.?” fiasco. Alright kiddies you’re on your way to being a better/more productive person once you eliminate whiteout use and ask for the non-descript cola beverage.

Pimpin' Ain't Easy - and It Ain't Right Either

When did the word pimp go from being a seldomly used derogatory noun denoting a man of low moral destitude to a commonplace adjective used by T.V. personalities to describe something in a positive light? During the '70s with blaxploitation films at their apex, and tonnes of movies about pimps, and just pimpin' in general being released, the term 'pimp' was still a four-letter word. Now when you watch T.V. it's 'pimp this' 'pimp that' 'ohh, he's really pimpin'. When the fuck did this happen? Why is the word 'pimp' so ubiquitous?
I'm definately not pro-censorship, hell I throw around curse words like a drunken sailor who just got his toe bit off my a $4 prostitute, but the mainstream's overusage of the word pimp has gotten out of control. I have no qualms with hearing 'pimp' - as long as the true connotation is understood . Allow me to digress. When I was in highschool my nickname was LWP - Lil' White Pimp, which was given to me by my mentor BCP - Big Chocolate Pimp. Now, we didn't have these names because we drove fly cars, it was because we fucked as many girls as we could with no regard for anyone else but ourselves. Just as long as 'we was gettin ours ya dig?' I did not go around telling people I was a pimp. Try going up to a girl and saying "Hi, I'm Brandon, but you can call me LWP, cause I'm such a peeeeeiiiiiiimmmp." I understand that 'pimp' is being used as slang to say something's fly, and not used as much to describe a person, but if you really think about what the word means you might not be so quick to throw it around.
Now let's play a game. Think of all the places you see the word 'pimp' used and substitute it. Hmm, what's similar to a pimp. I got it...WHORE! Alright, let's try the word 'whore' in place of 'pimp':
"Damn girl you're really whorin' in your new skirt."
"You check out the Sprewell's on dude's car - yo, he's straight up whorin."
And of course we'd have the show "Whore My Ride", but since it's "Whore My Ride" not "Pimp my Ride" it'll be hosted by, everyone's favourite whore, Lil' Kim - "Everywhere I go I get laughed at because of my busted-ass car. Kim, can you help me and WHORE MY RIDE?"
I understand that denoting something as 'pimpin' means it's got style, and I've seen some pimps with style (most notably a dude in Vancity with a purple zoot suit - that's sick), but it irks me that the term is thrown around so flippantly, and many times out of context:
"Hello Mr. Johnson, I'm glad you could join us for our business meeting, I trust your flight was fine?"
"Oh yes sir, it was most pimping indeed."
You can't just throw the term around. Because pimpin' ain't easy.

'The L-Word': The Greatest Television Show Ever

Summer of '03 in Vancouver...
It's Saturday morning and I just got back from a long day of work at Vancouver Film Studios. I'm sure there are worse jobs to work on a Saturday, but when work starts at 8am, and you drank until 4am, and got home at 5am, it makes for a long day. Walking into my musty, dirty - OK, downright violated - basement apartment, I open the fridge grab a Kokanee and check my answering machine. That's odd, Catherine called. She usually only calls real late when she's hocked up on booze and blow and wants to "see" me: "Heeeey, it's Cat. Just wanted to let you know we're filming on a yacht (She worked in the film biz too, everyone in Van does) and I'm watching two beautiful women in a hottub make out. Ohh, and they're naked. Bye!" The L-Word is the greatest show ever.
Catherine was working on the set of The L-Word. I don't know how many of you know what The L-Word but it's comparable to a sickeningly popular show, Sex and the City. The L-Word is just like that. Except, all the females in the group are lesbians, are beautiful, and are always making out. Oh, and constantly naked.
I couldn't tell you much about the plot, writing, character development etc. because once I see hot lesbians going at it my brain is as useful as a male character in the show. Since I'm sure you're very curious about the show I'll give a synopsis of the last episode I watched. My favourite character, I don't know her name but I call her Wounded Mouse, since she looks like a sad mouse - she's the perverted sister from Not Another Teen Movie who's always asking for someone to take a dump on her. Anyway, Wounded Mouse goes to the house of her jilted lover, but there's a twist! Her lover, a beautiful Eastern European chic with an incredibly think accent (mmmmm) has another lover. So there are three beautiful lesbians acting out a love square - I say 'square' because Wounded Mouse is actually married...to a man. After the lovers quarrel then kiss and make up (literally) Injured Mouse goes home and fucks the shit out of her husband to get out her sexual frustration.
I had more to say about God's gift to man The L-Word, but I just realized there is nothing more I have to say. On Thursday nights at 10pm check out Wounded Mouse and her wonderfully erotic lesbian 'friends' on SHOWCASE. Is there anything this channel doesn't do? First, providing me with spankalicious semi-hardcore porn for lonely nights, then Trailer Park Boys, and now it's greatest offering - hell, this is TELEVISION'S greatest offering - The L-Word. Catherine sure knew what she was talking about.

Colt 45 - Not for the Weak

40s and Blunts
When the hell did the idea of drinking a 40 become so romanticized? I heard this report on how the sales of malt liquour have been rising due to white suburbia wanting to connect with the urban youth they idolize through rap videos. What the fuck is that!? Sipping crystal, and hypnotik, sure I can see that - those are tasty beverages. 40oz of Colt45 and Olde English tastes like a bottled form of grandma's bathtub juice, it's an acquired taste - I'd liken it to nyamen punz, not the tastiest thing at first, but it gets the job done, and you might actually like it after awhile.
Awhile back this preppy dude where I work saw that I had a bottle of Colt45 in my bag and said: "I was at the Martini Bar (faux-trendy bar in London) and I saw guys with bottles of Colt45...apparently they sell them there now." WHAT THE FUCK? These dudes seriously have it twisted. Back in my boozin heyday (drunken 2 year haze that rendered my memory fucked like the guy from Memento) I would put on a preppy sweater, gel my hair, then get proper drunk off Colt, and head to a martini bar to mack some bitch that thinks I'm classy because I'm sipping,the one drink I'd buy at the bar, a martini.
Colt45 is a means to an ends...period! Trust me, folks in Harlem don't sit around thinking: "Wow, drinking 40s out of paper bags is wikkit. Good tastin' drinks is fo' suckas." When you drink malt liquor you drink it to get as drunk as you can, for as cheap as you can. It adheres to some kind of economic law: yield the most profit with the least expenses.
It's not cool to drink 40s, it's whack! Let me enlighten you with a 40oz story from my heyday(which was retold to me since I was too deeeerunk to remember). I was in Windsor and had been drinking 40s all day with X (me + X + Colt45(n) = havoc). Please note, we drank 40s because we were alcoholics with no income. Later on we went to some house party. I immediately started pissing everyone at the party off, I didn't give a shit cause I was with the biggest dudes at the party, and I had been drinking liquid courage all day. I'll fast forward past the mundane details - me stealing a slew of cds, and hitting on girls sitting with their boyfriends - to my fashionable exit. After about 40 minutes my boys told me we had to leave because I had apparently pissed off everybody there. So I graciously excused myself. When we got outside I was incensed because I hated everyone at the party, and they were all pretentious dicks (in reality they were probably nice people). Just as we had walked out, I paused, stared at a big window in the apartment building about 2 floors up and hurled my empty bottle of Colt through it. Then hid in some alley for awhile, and ended up getting kicked out of two bars that night. Why? Because Colt turns you into a lunatic. Was this cool? No. Was it funny? Well, sort of. Was it dumb? Hell ya!
Here's another quick fable about how cool malt liquor is. One Friday, in Vancity (where availibility of Colt45 is limited) X and I had been drinking Colt from about 3pm on. All I remember, is that I passed out and woke up by myself around 11pm completely confused as to where I was (I was at home actually), and reached for some nourishment finding a partially drinken bottle of liquid death (Colt). I took a sip and something wasn't right. So to get to the bottom of the matter I took another swig, and heard some jinglin and janglin. I removed the paper bag wrapped around the bottle and found a bunch of loose change at the bottom of my bottle*. Ugghh, just thinking about it makes my liver cry. Isn't Colt45 awesome!
Moral of the story kids: 1 drink is fine, 2 drinks is live, stay away from Colt45.
Next time you see someone at a lounge drinking Colt45 approach them and informt them that you are fundraising for the Disabled Children's Orphanage Fund, and I'm sure they will fork over atleast $20, because they are clearly fucking idiots.

* If my tales don't scare you off and you end up drinking malt liquor then make sure you have a paper bag around it. This insulates your drink.

Greatest Action-Genre Films Since 1980

Disclaimer: My list includes ACTION movies, not adventure, not sci-fi, and not even Kung-fu, but ACTION movies. These are true genre films, and sense big name studios have begun mimicking genre films (or atleast attempting to) I wanted to set the record straight for what comprises an action movie. Most of you will be upset when you read this list and realize that most of the movies that you call your favourite 'action' flicks, don't even constitute an action movie - ie. Kill Bill, Rush Hour, Bond Movies, and adventure movies like Raiders of the Lost Arc.

Definition: Now to limit the list I had to add stipulations. Firstly, with the incredible advances in special effects, and effects being an important indicator of an action movie's prowess, I did not think it fair to compare any movie made prior to 1980 with movies made afterwards. Secondly, I have included only American Cinema - mainly because action movies made in Hong Kong are basically innumerable, and hell, I could compose a lengthy list of just John Woo films, so "The Killer" and "Hard Boiled" are excluded (even though I once cleaned Mr. Woo's office).
The Action Movie's heyday is long gone. It ended as soon as Arnold Schwarzenegger died (made "______ Hero" and "____") and will probably never return. Censorship has also played a huge role. Studios want movies that 12 and 13 year olds can get into (which is valid seeing as the act of watching an action movie can cause anyone under the age of 18 to kill/main/slaughter people without even a good reason like war).
What makes a good action movie? Well...action! obviously, but there is more to it. Superflous, and extrenuous use of action actually. Also, nudity and gratuitous use of the F-bomb are vital. A great main character is what holds down an action movie though, and although most of these actors are the punchlines of many jokes, about 10 years ago people would never fuck with them. Look for the three F's: Fighting, Fucking, and Fuck (the word), as a field test to determine whether you're watching an action movie (sidenote: fucking is not vital).

Enough rambling, here is the emmaculate list (as this list was not conceived, but suddenly appeared to me one day, most likely from God who's pissed about all the shitty 'action' movies coming out lately):

10. a/b "Marked for Death" and "Hard to Kill" (1990)
What makes these movies so wikkit is Steven Segal, plain and simple. Bad actor? Yes. Bad hair? Yes. Dirty-ass Kenpo/Judo style moves? YES! When recollecting back on these movies you probably just scoff at the thought of watching a Segal flick, but these are true action movies with little regard for plot (which isn't necessarily a bad thing).
9. "Lethal Weapon" (1987)
Don't let the franchise that Lethal Weapon became fool you. This original installment was DARK, and raw. Mel Gibson was your typical loose-cannon cop, but with a slightly more suicidal edge - one of the earlier scenes depict him putting a gun in his own mouth. The torturing scene is great, and the audience really bonds with Riggs and Murtaugh, and there's plenty of needless deaths. Again, this is good!
8. "The Terminator" (1984)
Unfortunately, this flick is overshadowed by its successor, but this movie was equally as groundbreaking. Arnold fuckin kills it in this movie. The plot is creative to say the least, and again the movie is dark. Sarah Connor survives, but the world is still going to end. And the one-liners are so classic that people repeat them with no idea where they came from (that's when you know a line is truly part of pop-culture).
7. "Die Hard" (1988)
Why don't people say motherfucker anymore? "Yippee kayah motherfucker" (or yippee kayah Mr. Falconer as TBS airs it) is such a great line that I'm going to start calling everyone motherfucker again, motherfucker. Bruce Willis is great in this movie as the smart-ass rogue cop, who single-handedly takes down a crew of terrorists, most of the time without any shoes. The scene at the end when Hans plumits off the tower is classic (I'm going to deliberately overuse this term cause to call these movies anything else would be a travesty! - ohh, and I'm using a lot of exclamation marks because if action movies were punctuation they wouldn't be colons now would they?).
6. "Aliens" (1986)
James Cameron gave us 3 of the movies on this list, but is still a fucking idiot because he also spawned "______" (movie about a big boat, whose title I refuse to even utter). It can be argued that this is a sci-fi flick, but I disagree. "Alien" definately is, and "Alien 3" is sci-fi, but "Aliens" is all about action. There is almost too much plot for it to make this list, and it does have Sigourn-HE Weaver, but the action sequences are sick! Michael Biehn (also plays Reese in "Terminator" is amazing). As my friend once said: "he's just plays the role of the grunt to perfection".
5. a/b Bloodsport (1988) and Kickboxer (1989)
Similar to the Segal flicks, these movies are dirty for one reason, Jean Claude Van Damme-age. He is by far the worst actor on this list, but the second best action star, maybe even of all-time. These two are essentially the same movie: Van Damme training hard in a mysterious martial art to avenge someone, and make someone proud: "Hey MOM, I kicked the shit out of 30 people today!" "That's great son!" Van Damme's spinning jump kick is nuts for a white dude. And while he might not even be very likeable, he just kicks-ass in these movies. Go rent these movies today (on video, not dvd) and you'll see how sick they still are.
4. Desperado (1995)
The only movie on the list to come out after the fall of action movies (I guess I could've made the list 1984-1995). Lots of guns, lots of brutal death, lots of cussin, and plenty of Salma Hayek. Antonio Banderas is just cool in this movie. Although, the main plot stems from the prequel "El Mariachi" the idea of a man with a guitar case for of guns is niiiice. The Mariachi's motive for all this killing is ambiguous, which separates this action movie from "Kill Bill" or "Sin City" (great flicks, but not PURE action movies).

3-1 Will be put up on a later post. Also, and explanation why probably YOUR favourite action movie, "The Matrix", isn't included. Surprisingly, a policitician stars in all of the top 3.